Assault and Battery

Our sketchy lot has been known to be the location of scandalous activities, as evidenced by the array of items we find here. So, it goes without saying that it's not a far cry for the parking lot to feature squabbles that escalate to something more. But we're punny here and we use word plays quite frequently. This post is just another, so calm down. No one was harmed in the making of this entry.

Maybe we just to need to recharge from the weekend. There were lots of festivities the last few days and although our parking lot looks a little rough any other time, the revelry was certainly hangover-and-headache-inducing. But, alas, it's Monday and it's time to energize once again for the week ahead (again, with the puns. Don't judge.)

Sauced on the Lot

The food industry is a rough place to work. The wait staff on the front lines are the face of the business: refilling empty glasses, supplying extra napkins, returning plates for demanding consumers, among other things. Arguably, the kitchen is an even rougher...and more DANGEROUS...place to work. High temps, sharp objects, and oil slicks are just a few obstacles the kitchen staff must maneuver around. It doesn't matter if you're working at a greasy spoon where the line cooks wear paper hats or a classy 5-star restaurant with linen napkins, the life of a restaurant employee isn't easy.

And sometimes when the work day is done, you just wanna toss your hairnet and enjoy a cold brew. Then smash that bottle and throw hot sauce confetti to celebrate an end to another shift. The Parking Lot is the place to be, no matter what occasion you're celebrating. 

Celebration Cut Short

This morning brought about something that could be incredibly sad. When I pulled into work today, I spotted this gem. At first glance, it's just another empty bottle. Sure, we're used to the broken beer bottle and other such ale and hops riff-raff, but this specimen here is one of the finer varieties of alcoholic treats. Upon closer inspection, we see that there's quite a bit of sparkling wine in this bottle. Undoubtedly, this is what remains from a party cut short. I refuse to believe someone(s) simply didn't care for the taste of "Berry Fusion". Because, come on, it's berries, man. Who doesn't like the taste of berries?

Lot lizards, that's who. Lot lizards clearly prefer something citrusy. (And you thought that was a rhetorical question. Just goes to show ya, anything can happen on this lot. And it usually does.) 

Balloon Knot

At some point in time, there was a celebration in our parking lot's adjoining brick alley. As evidenced in this snapshot, there's a busted a withered knot, a remnant from a blue balloon. Balloons are typically indicative of a good time, so its placement in our lot is questionable. It's also doubtful you'll find another dirty balloon knot of this sort on the internet.

Lot Art

Art is a matter of perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, rather than get annoyed with the amount of garbage in the lot, choose to alter your belief for just a moment. Perhaps it wasn't a careless litterbug who emptied their ashtray or discarded their McDonald's wrappers. Maybe they were making an attempt at urban art. Somehow trash doesn't seem so bad when you look at it through art-loving eyes.

 

Embrace the discarded chicken wing bones and the broken bottles. Admire the scope of the busted windshield glass. Heck, I believe I've seen broken glass all over the floor at artistic installation at the contemporary art museum. The stuff in our lot is so real, so gritty, so admirable. Take this Kleenex-henge. Oh, that form. Oh, the positioning of the snotted-up tissue wads. Pure genius!

Like a Surgeon

If ever you need to conduct routine back-alley surgery or there's been a SARS outbreak scare, the Parking Lot is stocked with a face mask for whatever your needs may be. Please be advised, however, we cannot guarantee this item is free from holes, tears, or manufacturer's defect. Use at your own risk.*

*If you're on your way to a creepy costume party, and you're looking for form over function, what a fun little accessory!

Crystal White Christmas

Here in the Midwest, it wouldn't be Christmas without snow. Everyone dreams of a white Christmas; the song's a classic. But we don't have snow today. That's not going to keep the parking lot from being festive! It's not as good as real snow, but sometimes you just have to improvise. We present to you synthetic snow crystals in the form of broken auto glass!

 

The Parking Lot Diaries wishes you a safe and happy holiday!*

*You're probably much safer and undoubtedly happier if you're not on our lot.

High Society

In each culture, it's necessary to align with social pressures to fit in. Any misstep in conversation or fashion faux pas, and you're bound to be banished to the kiddie table at the next big family get together. Of course, these ways of conducting ourselves vary greatly for men and for women. In a way, women are held to a higher standard than men. Men can get away without wearing a speck of makeup, bleaching their mustaches, or shaving their legs. Men can belch, and will even turn an awkward fart into a hilariously executed punctuation within a conversation.

 

Unfortunately, however, it's no so easy for women. Social norms dictate women must look and behave a certain, proper way. Women who venture out of the house without painting their faces are often criticized for not doing so. And neglecting to bleach stray upper lip hairs? Some women would rather curl up and hide than have anyone spot them with unwanted body hair. Many women look forward to the winter months where pants and long skirts hide their unshaven legs so they can enjoy a little lapse in social pressures for their legs to look a certain way.

 

The rituals women go through on a daily basis to fit in with social pressures are cumbersome and time-consuming. It's possible in the quest for perfection, a step of the beauty regimen is incomplete or abandoned all together in an effort to make it to the office on time. Or say, there's just not enough time to shave your legs before leaving home. Well, you guessed it, the Parking Lot has you covered!

 

Sanitarily contained in a Ziploc baggy is your own pink razor (how feminine!). Your new razor's name is "Indigo Knight", which is coincidentally the name of a modeling agency in Louisiana. Now, if that hidden wintery leg stubble is leaving you feeling inadequate, you sneak a few shaves in your work day.

 

Oh, and speaking of hygiene double standards, the Parking Lot also has menstrual pads available free of charge.

Seasonal Tradition

Tradition tells us that the day after Thanksgiving is the day to venture out to the mall or your favorite shopping grounds and buy crap for your loved ones to celebrate Christmas.

 

When I was growing up, I don't remember the term "Black Friday" was thrown around as loosely as it is today. For some, shopping for good boys and girls is what the season's all about. For others, the season has more emphasis on the tradition of togetherness and family bonding. Eggnog flowing, hanging up the stockings, and decorating for the ol' yule time. Picking the perfect pine tree from an orchard, hacking it down, and bringing it home to decorate it with handmade ornaments and tinsel are what stories of Christmas are made of. It's all about the tree and the company who helps put it all together.

 

In contrast, however, on the lot you just make due with what's available. Fortunately enough, we've found a tree for our festivities!

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.

Lens-less in the Lot

We continue to be amazed not just by the sheer volume of debris in the parking lot, but by the total randomness of much of it. Sure, there's a ton of cigarette butts and fast food packaging, but mixed in with all that standard debris is a never-ending mix of weave, dental floss, and broken glass. And sometimes, sometimes you find that rare gem, even rare for our parking lot. As mentioned in our previous post, it's not every day you see an intact penis cake when you step out of your car in the morning.

And yet invariably, these things happen. Many items end up here, each with its own story, a history of how it arrived in our parking lot. We can only speculate how it came to be, but it's certainly interesting to document this random stuff and pose the question: "What the hell?!"

Today's find is a single eyeglass lens, with no frame or matching lens to be found. It's nearly opaque from the scuffs on the surface. How does this even happen? Even if the lens casually popped out from someone's lens, how could that person go about their day sans one lens? Most assuredly, there was a scuffle. Perhaps a mugging, where the perpetrator smashed the victim in the face, busting their lens out. The victim laid unconscious in a pool of their own blood and when they awoke, the need for medical attention outweighed the need to retrieve the lost lens. Or maybe, just maybe, the mugger wanted to rob the muggee of their eyeglass frame and their left lens. Because the mugger is an eye-patch-wearin' pirate.

Regardless of how it arrived in our parking lot, a single lens lies scuffed on the asphalt in this installment of the Parking Lot Diaries.

Edible Anatomy Lesson

It's important to honor people we care about, especially for momentous occasions such as upcoming weddings, goings away, and baby welcomings. Let's face it, birthdays are important, but they happen every year. Only genuinely rare occasions are worthy of extra special touches. The thought expressed in the presentation of a handmade centerpiece for each table at a get-together may have otherwise gone unnoticed if the party planner omitted it from the decorations. However, with the properly executed design and placement, the centerpiece is sure to attract plenty of attention.

Enter the penis cake. We're all aware of the taboo of that certain male body part. Practically synonymous with any heterosexual woman's last night out as a single woman, the penis cake is a staple of bachelorette parties nationwide. Apparently, it's also hip at birthday parties and parking lots. Okay, well maybe just one lot specifically. Our lot.

Monday morning brought about this completely intact penis cake, replete with chocolate sprinkle pubic hairs and a festive "HAPPY B-DAY" on the top edge of the foil-covered cardboard platter. Sure, the frosting is a little melted, but after spending the night in this parking lot, things could be a lot worse for this weary cake.

So, if you're on your way to an adult birthday party and in need of a centerpiece for your celebration, swing by the parking lot to grab your table accoutrement!

Oral Hygiene 101

With nary time for breakfast, it's likely you also didn't have time to enjoy the finer things in life, like caring for your oral hygiene needs. Our parking lot features all the items you need for that last minute enhancement for your day.

Let's face it, halitosis is an epidemic that must be stopped. There's nothing worse than having a close-talker swoop in on you while you're walking from the lot to the building. Or worse yet, a close-talker in the elevator. Act fast to prevent the embarrassment of having another whiff of toxic breath fumes.

The importance of oral care should never take a backseat to fashion. Dental floss is plentiful, but don't expect it on a spool. Nah, that's much too time consuming for the traveler on the go. In our parking lot, you'll find individually portioned floss, complete with a holder with a handle that doubles as a toothpick. Now you can get the fine grit from your pearly whites as well as tongue-teasing hunks of chicken or roast beef! Minty asphalt flavored. 

And when floss doesn't quite fulfill your needs, you're bound to find the occasional toothbrush and discarded toothpaste tube. Gargle and rinse with bottled fluids plucked from the nearby litter tree.

Fashion Forward!

It's important to accessorize, especially on the go. You never know who may come across and you want to be fashionable. Whether you've arranged a play date with your pimp, or you're going to a casual business meeting, having the right accessories is paramount to your success. Fortunately, if you failed to remember to wear a complete set of earrings, there just may be options for you in the parking lot.

Say you're looking for a simple, albeit dented, hoop. We can help. A passerby stepped on the earring, giving it its signature dent. But that's the nature of parking lot jewelry. Never perfect, but chock full of character. The hoop measures about 2 inches in diameter and is coated in some gold-colored substance. This perfectly fine accessory has been abandoned for your use. Bacterial infection guaranteed.






Need a little extra sparkle to make it though the day? Perhaps a questionably pink "gemstone" is more your style. The detailed bezel cut is accented with a faux gold setting. Although this stud lacks a back to secure the earring in place, a nearby discarded cigarette butt can easily be converted into an earring back.









Of course, no amount of jewelry is appropriate without a little more preparation in your daily routine. Earrings are simply ornaments for the sides of our head. They highlight our face. But if our faces are incomplete, we may as well go back to bed and shut off the light. Who would recognize us without our faces. We're talking makeup. Rouge is important. Failing to apply it can ruin your day. But if your compact is lacking a brush to apply your blush, search no further.

Failed Gate Fortress

Beyond an abundance of cigarette butts and other such careless litter, random objects somehow find their way into our parking lot. The 8-foot tall wrought iron fence is certainly just for show. Two gates roll horizontally, but typically remain open. There are no locks. I've tried to pry open closed entrances after some unknown force magically moved them the night before. Either I'm too weak, or I lack coordination, or both, but I can never get them open. It's clear they've lost their luster and need not be used as they were originally designed.

At the time I snapped the second shot shown in this post, I didn't realize the ominously red-colored stain in the foreground. I cannot definitively state there is no human DNA in that stain.



At the end of the week, the lot is set up for the surrounding nightclubs and bars to generate revenue for park and neighborhood redevelopment, or so we were told. After daytime business hours on those days, sidewalk signs reading "$5 Parking". Presumably much of the subject matter photographed for this site are objects left behind by some haphazard drunk or disco diva. Wild party nights could potentially lead to vomiting in the lot, or say, a nearly intact abandoned car window.

Then again, the gifters of these objects could be just about anyone. It's hard to peg just what type of person is traipsing through the parking lot when just about every type does. Everyone from the club kid to the clinic patient and the business person to the hooker has come through here. What's more is that a revolving door of drug-addicted patrons temporarily live in the rehab facility. They're perpetually coming outside for smoke breaks (a story onto itself). In my seven years working at this building, I've seen all walks of life. And I imagine it's been that way since long before me.

But variety is the spice of life. It certainly makes our days more interesting when we could randomly just happen upon something that really doesn't belong in a parking lot. Except for this lot. It's perfectly clear that EVERYTHING belongs here. Some days, when we come across something particularly interesting, it's like hitting the lottery.



CAUTION: the pictures you see on this site may cause gasps of disbelief, overbearing shame, and outright pity.

But note, EVERY picture was photographed in our office building parking lot. Our building is old and rich with history. Something to be proud of. The parking lot leaves a little to be desired.


Nestled in a very urban area, the building is home to a couple community non-profits, a rehabilitation facility, and a clinic. The parking lot is not huge, but has space for around 50 cars. It's surrounded by a tall wrought iron fence (which you'd think would stop a lot of random things from appearing in it...but I digress). Neighboring businesses include a bank, a fast food joint, and a string of nightclubs and bars.

You'll notice three prominent background textures to objects seen on this site: concrete, asphalt, and brick. All three of these elements comprise our parking lot. Well, technically the bricks are an alley, but the city disowned the alley, so it's all ours!

Yes, there's a wooden pole that extends from the merge of the asphalt/concrete, right along the border with brick. Out of all the things that just DON'T MAKE SENSE on this site, trust us, the pole is the most logical thing in our parking lot.

Now that all the disclaimers are out of the way, if you're still captivated, you won't be for much longer...we'll have new treasures for you to see soon!