I. Can't. Even.

Some objects in the lot defy explanation. So... Vomit.

I coulda sworn there was a barf bag around here somewhere.

Sauced on the Lot

The food industry is a rough place to work. The wait staff on the front lines are the face of the business: refilling empty glasses, supplying extra napkins, returning plates for demanding consumers, among other things. Arguably, the kitchen is an even rougher...and more DANGEROUS...place to work. High temps, sharp objects, and oil slicks are just a few obstacles the kitchen staff must maneuver around. It doesn't matter if you're working at a greasy spoon where the line cooks wear paper hats or a classy 5-star restaurant with linen napkins, the life of a restaurant employee isn't easy.

And sometimes when the work day is done, you just wanna toss your hairnet and enjoy a cold brew. Then smash that bottle and throw hot sauce confetti to celebrate an end to another shift. The Parking Lot is the place to be, no matter what occasion you're celebrating. 

A Shot Rang Out

A Jello shot, that is. We may have a sketchy lot, but not everything is about inner city drive-by shootings. Mmmkay? It may be litter, but occasionally we do have happy news to report here at the Parking Lot Diaries.

Clearly, some revelers were having a joyous celebration on the ol' pavement of our office building. The technique used to get all the alcohol-soaked goo from the little plastic tub is questionable. We all know the right person would have slurped out ever glob. A person familiar with these shots may have taken their finger to loosen up the Jello around the edges before sucking it down. A pro would have tactfully used their tongue all around (if there is any tact to be had when enjoying a Jello shot).

What remains here, folks, is the product of a beginner. We've all got to start somewhere, even if it is in this parking lot.

The Key to Success

As the sayin' goes, there's no such thing as bad advertising. The key to success is getting your name out there. Businesses and even people promote their products and services through a wide array of marketing devices. It's important to know who your audience is and to reach out and command their attention.

 

If you make your marketing materials functional, you can reach a greater audience. Advertising on an ink pen, for example, has the potential to reach many more people than the ad on the back of a weekly circular. That crap's gonna get tossed away with the garbage...but an ink pen, oh no. You've really got something there.

 

Plastic cups are good too, because who doesn't like a reusable plastic cup with your logo emblazoned on it? Loudly profess your love for your favorite pizza place or law firm when you're entertaining guests on your back patio while you're serving up bubbly brews.

 

In this lot, you'll find a bunch of gimmicky marketing tactics strewn about the pavement. It's really where garbage goes to die. Sometimes you'll find a pen advertising this place or that. Other times, you'll see marketing on the side of a discarded cup. Then again, you'll always have rare gems like this shopping cart keychain. 

Smoking May Cause Headaches

Because sometimes you just need to store your Marlboro pack in your Aleve box. Plus, it helps cut back on the space your freakin' litter takes up, making more room for even more garbage. If you're going to litter, please do so responsibly. Environmental harm reduction.

Goodbye 2013!

Out with the old in with the new, eh? The Parking Lot is bound to be bountiful in the new year. It's brought us everything from busted bottles and discarded lottery scratch-offs to penis cakes and tangled weaves. Certainly 2014 brings with it an all-new level of skank.

At The Parking Lot Diaries, we wish you a safe and happy new year. So, when you celebrate all that 2013 was and you hope 2014 will be, if your New Year's Eve night ends with a bang, be safe about it. And even if your celebration is low-key, be careful out there. It's a crazy world and anything can happen, as evidenced by these snapshots we take in our sketchy lot.

Quickie.

There's nothing quite like having a quickie in the parking lot. 'Cept maybe this parking lot. Who wants a quickie here? Nevermind. Don't answer that, I don't even want to know. However, since I'm pressed for time, I offer you this installment of The Parking Lot Diaries because sometimes when you're in a hurry you leave skid marks. Or rather a single skid mark.

How do things like this happen?!

Last Minute Thanksgiving Prep

It never fails: Thanksgiving creeps up on us every year. Wasn't it just June? Poor planning, procrastination, or simple forgetfulness may have you cruising by this and that local grocer only to realize you screwed up again. If you're anything like me, year after year you fail to do your part for the family get-together potluck. And a last minute dash to the supermarket will most assuredly end in disappointment. Instead of driving around hopelessly trying to find a store operate on YOUR schedule, consider stopping by the parking lot for your better-late-than-never Thanksgiving needs.

Thanksgiving should be more than just Turkey Day. We need to appreciate all delicious birds during this momentous day. It may not be turkey, but we have a wing with chicken so tender, it fell right off the bone. Well, the meat was probably chewed or gnawed off, but the breading certainly contains the secret to the special recipe.

If you're looking for a dinner side to share, but care not to make something traditional like mashed potatoes or green bean casserole due to time constraints or proper preparation, consider grabbing a bag of Ruffles. Now, these aren't your run of the mill potato chips. No, these babies are the ultimate loaded bacon and cheddar potato skins! Of course, I cannot guarantee the contents of this bag as it appears to be open. But remember, Thanksgiving is not only about giving thanks, but it's about sharing. Someone else took their share from the Ruffles, so be grateful for what they left.

Some of us just want to bring something easy, even if we are prepared for the occasion. Fruit punch or some bubbly beverage. You're in luck. Currently our lot has two fruity drinks. Well, had. Your choice of peach Vess soda or Tropical Fantasy (whatever that is) mango "juice". If you're interested in the soda, sorry, we're fresh out. But it looks like there may be a little mango left, plus or minus some stranger's backwash. Again, sharing is caring.

When you're running late to dinner at grandma's house, or Aunt Patty's, or your crazy in-laws, because you failed yet again to make that new recipe, don't neglect to swing by The Lot to grab the necessities so you don't look like a total ass in front of your significant other's dad. 
 

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.