Party of Three

This week on "Let's Hypothesize (How Crap Got Here)":

On the way to the bar, Madeleine and Adam are starving. Madeleine wants McNuggets, but Adam heard the chicken from McDonald's is made from "rib meat and weird chemical compounds". He scoffs at Maddy for her poor food choices. Madeleine argues that she was practically raised on four-piece boxes of the fried food. Adam wants White Castle because it's the lessor of two evils.

Madeleine counters "Adam prefers his burgers paper thin and boiled in onion water". Still, she's a good friend and for the sake of arguing further, she drives her rusted-out Buick into the lot of the tiny burger joint. After her friend places his order, they speed to McDonald's so she can down a box of McNuggets dipped in BBQ sauce.

Meanwhile, Ginger suppresses her hunger as she downs bottles of beer in the backseat. It's her twenty-first birthday and she's determined to get drunk for the first time.

Once in the parking lot, Madeleine and Adam have finished their quick meals and help Ginger out of the car. She's wasted and on the brink of collapse. The two friends lift the birthday girl to her feet, but she doesn't want to move any further. Adam argues that they're going to miss the drag show going on a couple blocks away. Madeleine wants a chocolate martini. Through slurred words, Ginger shouts, "It's my party and I'll do what I want to!" She then climbs back into the car and falls fast asleep on the floorboard.

Adam and Madeleine cast knowing glances at one another, shrug their shoulders, and get back into the car. The trio drive off, leaving evidence of an otherwise exciting night.

A Shot Rang Out

A Jello shot, that is. We may have a sketchy lot, but not everything is about inner city drive-by shootings. Mmmkay? It may be litter, but occasionally we do have happy news to report here at the Parking Lot Diaries.

Clearly, some revelers were having a joyous celebration on the ol' pavement of our office building. The technique used to get all the alcohol-soaked goo from the little plastic tub is questionable. We all know the right person would have slurped out ever glob. A person familiar with these shots may have taken their finger to loosen up the Jello around the edges before sucking it down. A pro would have tactfully used their tongue all around (if there is any tact to be had when enjoying a Jello shot).

What remains here, folks, is the product of a beginner. We've all got to start somewhere, even if it is in this parking lot.

The Key to Success

As the sayin' goes, there's no such thing as bad advertising. The key to success is getting your name out there. Businesses and even people promote their products and services through a wide array of marketing devices. It's important to know who your audience is and to reach out and command their attention.

 

If you make your marketing materials functional, you can reach a greater audience. Advertising on an ink pen, for example, has the potential to reach many more people than the ad on the back of a weekly circular. That crap's gonna get tossed away with the garbage...but an ink pen, oh no. You've really got something there.

 

Plastic cups are good too, because who doesn't like a reusable plastic cup with your logo emblazoned on it? Loudly profess your love for your favorite pizza place or law firm when you're entertaining guests on your back patio while you're serving up bubbly brews.

 

In this lot, you'll find a bunch of gimmicky marketing tactics strewn about the pavement. It's really where garbage goes to die. Sometimes you'll find a pen advertising this place or that. Other times, you'll see marketing on the side of a discarded cup. Then again, you'll always have rare gems like this shopping cart keychain. 

Smoking May Cause Headaches

Because sometimes you just need to store your Marlboro pack in your Aleve box. Plus, it helps cut back on the space your freakin' litter takes up, making more room for even more garbage. If you're going to litter, please do so responsibly. Environmental harm reduction.

Crystal White Christmas

Here in the Midwest, it wouldn't be Christmas without snow. Everyone dreams of a white Christmas; the song's a classic. But we don't have snow today. That's not going to keep the parking lot from being festive! It's not as good as real snow, but sometimes you just have to improvise. We present to you synthetic snow crystals in the form of broken auto glass!

 

The Parking Lot Diaries wishes you a safe and happy holiday!*

*You're probably much safer and undoubtedly happier if you're not on our lot.

Quickie.

There's nothing quite like having a quickie in the parking lot. 'Cept maybe this parking lot. Who wants a quickie here? Nevermind. Don't answer that, I don't even want to know. However, since I'm pressed for time, I offer you this installment of The Parking Lot Diaries because sometimes when you're in a hurry you leave skid marks. Or rather a single skid mark.

How do things like this happen?!

Last Minute Thanksgiving Prep

It never fails: Thanksgiving creeps up on us every year. Wasn't it just June? Poor planning, procrastination, or simple forgetfulness may have you cruising by this and that local grocer only to realize you screwed up again. If you're anything like me, year after year you fail to do your part for the family get-together potluck. And a last minute dash to the supermarket will most assuredly end in disappointment. Instead of driving around hopelessly trying to find a store operate on YOUR schedule, consider stopping by the parking lot for your better-late-than-never Thanksgiving needs.

Thanksgiving should be more than just Turkey Day. We need to appreciate all delicious birds during this momentous day. It may not be turkey, but we have a wing with chicken so tender, it fell right off the bone. Well, the meat was probably chewed or gnawed off, but the breading certainly contains the secret to the special recipe.

If you're looking for a dinner side to share, but care not to make something traditional like mashed potatoes or green bean casserole due to time constraints or proper preparation, consider grabbing a bag of Ruffles. Now, these aren't your run of the mill potato chips. No, these babies are the ultimate loaded bacon and cheddar potato skins! Of course, I cannot guarantee the contents of this bag as it appears to be open. But remember, Thanksgiving is not only about giving thanks, but it's about sharing. Someone else took their share from the Ruffles, so be grateful for what they left.

Some of us just want to bring something easy, even if we are prepared for the occasion. Fruit punch or some bubbly beverage. You're in luck. Currently our lot has two fruity drinks. Well, had. Your choice of peach Vess soda or Tropical Fantasy (whatever that is) mango "juice". If you're interested in the soda, sorry, we're fresh out. But it looks like there may be a little mango left, plus or minus some stranger's backwash. Again, sharing is caring.

When you're running late to dinner at grandma's house, or Aunt Patty's, or your crazy in-laws, because you failed yet again to make that new recipe, don't neglect to swing by The Lot to grab the necessities so you don't look like a total ass in front of your significant other's dad. 
 

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.

Edible Anatomy Lesson

It's important to honor people we care about, especially for momentous occasions such as upcoming weddings, goings away, and baby welcomings. Let's face it, birthdays are important, but they happen every year. Only genuinely rare occasions are worthy of extra special touches. The thought expressed in the presentation of a handmade centerpiece for each table at a get-together may have otherwise gone unnoticed if the party planner omitted it from the decorations. However, with the properly executed design and placement, the centerpiece is sure to attract plenty of attention.

Enter the penis cake. We're all aware of the taboo of that certain male body part. Practically synonymous with any heterosexual woman's last night out as a single woman, the penis cake is a staple of bachelorette parties nationwide. Apparently, it's also hip at birthday parties and parking lots. Okay, well maybe just one lot specifically. Our lot.

Monday morning brought about this completely intact penis cake, replete with chocolate sprinkle pubic hairs and a festive "HAPPY B-DAY" on the top edge of the foil-covered cardboard platter. Sure, the frosting is a little melted, but after spending the night in this parking lot, things could be a lot worse for this weary cake.

So, if you're on your way to an adult birthday party and in need of a centerpiece for your celebration, swing by the parking lot to grab your table accoutrement!

Weave Me Alone

Invariably, there's bound to be some random hair swatches in the parking lot. Not sure quite how this happens. Maybe it was just really windy. Perhaps a hair-tearing fight ensued. Cheap glue is always a possibility. In any event, the amount of weave in this parking lot gives us pause to reflect on why the heck this lot is so special. And I refuse to believe it's anything more than weave.


More importantly, how can someone go about their business after losing their hair extensions in the parking lot? Certainly, they're experiencing the proverbial Bad Hair Day after suffering such a loss. Perhaps at the point you lose a clump of your 'do, it's time to just call it a day and just go home. I know if it were me, I'd be in such a lousy mood, I'd retreat to my bedroom and pull the covers up over my head. Certainly tomorrow brings a brighter day.

Oral Hygiene 101

With nary time for breakfast, it's likely you also didn't have time to enjoy the finer things in life, like caring for your oral hygiene needs. Our parking lot features all the items you need for that last minute enhancement for your day.

Let's face it, halitosis is an epidemic that must be stopped. There's nothing worse than having a close-talker swoop in on you while you're walking from the lot to the building. Or worse yet, a close-talker in the elevator. Act fast to prevent the embarrassment of having another whiff of toxic breath fumes.

The importance of oral care should never take a backseat to fashion. Dental floss is plentiful, but don't expect it on a spool. Nah, that's much too time consuming for the traveler on the go. In our parking lot, you'll find individually portioned floss, complete with a holder with a handle that doubles as a toothpick. Now you can get the fine grit from your pearly whites as well as tongue-teasing hunks of chicken or roast beef! Minty asphalt flavored. 

And when floss doesn't quite fulfill your needs, you're bound to find the occasional toothbrush and discarded toothpaste tube. Gargle and rinse with bottled fluids plucked from the nearby litter tree.

Fashion Forward!

It's important to accessorize, especially on the go. You never know who may come across and you want to be fashionable. Whether you've arranged a play date with your pimp, or you're going to a casual business meeting, having the right accessories is paramount to your success. Fortunately, if you failed to remember to wear a complete set of earrings, there just may be options for you in the parking lot.

Say you're looking for a simple, albeit dented, hoop. We can help. A passerby stepped on the earring, giving it its signature dent. But that's the nature of parking lot jewelry. Never perfect, but chock full of character. The hoop measures about 2 inches in diameter and is coated in some gold-colored substance. This perfectly fine accessory has been abandoned for your use. Bacterial infection guaranteed.






Need a little extra sparkle to make it though the day? Perhaps a questionably pink "gemstone" is more your style. The detailed bezel cut is accented with a faux gold setting. Although this stud lacks a back to secure the earring in place, a nearby discarded cigarette butt can easily be converted into an earring back.









Of course, no amount of jewelry is appropriate without a little more preparation in your daily routine. Earrings are simply ornaments for the sides of our head. They highlight our face. But if our faces are incomplete, we may as well go back to bed and shut off the light. Who would recognize us without our faces. We're talking makeup. Rouge is important. Failing to apply it can ruin your day. But if your compact is lacking a brush to apply your blush, search no further.

Failed Gate Fortress

Beyond an abundance of cigarette butts and other such careless litter, random objects somehow find their way into our parking lot. The 8-foot tall wrought iron fence is certainly just for show. Two gates roll horizontally, but typically remain open. There are no locks. I've tried to pry open closed entrances after some unknown force magically moved them the night before. Either I'm too weak, or I lack coordination, or both, but I can never get them open. It's clear they've lost their luster and need not be used as they were originally designed.

At the time I snapped the second shot shown in this post, I didn't realize the ominously red-colored stain in the foreground. I cannot definitively state there is no human DNA in that stain.



At the end of the week, the lot is set up for the surrounding nightclubs and bars to generate revenue for park and neighborhood redevelopment, or so we were told. After daytime business hours on those days, sidewalk signs reading "$5 Parking". Presumably much of the subject matter photographed for this site are objects left behind by some haphazard drunk or disco diva. Wild party nights could potentially lead to vomiting in the lot, or say, a nearly intact abandoned car window.

Then again, the gifters of these objects could be just about anyone. It's hard to peg just what type of person is traipsing through the parking lot when just about every type does. Everyone from the club kid to the clinic patient and the business person to the hooker has come through here. What's more is that a revolving door of drug-addicted patrons temporarily live in the rehab facility. They're perpetually coming outside for smoke breaks (a story onto itself). In my seven years working at this building, I've seen all walks of life. And I imagine it's been that way since long before me.

But variety is the spice of life. It certainly makes our days more interesting when we could randomly just happen upon something that really doesn't belong in a parking lot. Except for this lot. It's perfectly clear that EVERYTHING belongs here. Some days, when we come across something particularly interesting, it's like hitting the lottery.



CAUTION: the pictures you see on this site may cause gasps of disbelief, overbearing shame, and outright pity.

But note, EVERY picture was photographed in our office building parking lot. Our building is old and rich with history. Something to be proud of. The parking lot leaves a little to be desired.


Nestled in a very urban area, the building is home to a couple community non-profits, a rehabilitation facility, and a clinic. The parking lot is not huge, but has space for around 50 cars. It's surrounded by a tall wrought iron fence (which you'd think would stop a lot of random things from appearing in it...but I digress). Neighboring businesses include a bank, a fast food joint, and a string of nightclubs and bars.

You'll notice three prominent background textures to objects seen on this site: concrete, asphalt, and brick. All three of these elements comprise our parking lot. Well, technically the bricks are an alley, but the city disowned the alley, so it's all ours!

Yes, there's a wooden pole that extends from the merge of the asphalt/concrete, right along the border with brick. Out of all the things that just DON'T MAKE SENSE on this site, trust us, the pole is the most logical thing in our parking lot.

Now that all the disclaimers are out of the way, if you're still captivated, you won't be for much longer...we'll have new treasures for you to see soon!