Movin' on Up!

September marks the eleventh month anniversary of the Parking Lot Diaries. To celebrate, we're moving on up to Facebook! Yeah, completely random anniversary date, but has anything about this blog made sense thus far? And things aren't bound to change any time soon. If you've visited this blog before, you're well aware of the type of crap you'll be subjected to.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

But more important...Will you be joining us on Facebook?

You're sure never to miss another Parking Lot Diaries entry. C'mon, you know you wanna!https://www.facebook.com/ParkingLotDiaries

Party of Three

This week on "Let's Hypothesize (How Crap Got Here)":

On the way to the bar, Madeleine and Adam are starving. Madeleine wants McNuggets, but Adam heard the chicken from McDonald's is made from "rib meat and weird chemical compounds". He scoffs at Maddy for her poor food choices. Madeleine argues that she was practically raised on four-piece boxes of the fried food. Adam wants White Castle because it's the lessor of two evils.

Madeleine counters "Adam prefers his burgers paper thin and boiled in onion water". Still, she's a good friend and for the sake of arguing further, she drives her rusted-out Buick into the lot of the tiny burger joint. After her friend places his order, they speed to McDonald's so she can down a box of McNuggets dipped in BBQ sauce.

Meanwhile, Ginger suppresses her hunger as she downs bottles of beer in the backseat. It's her twenty-first birthday and she's determined to get drunk for the first time.

Once in the parking lot, Madeleine and Adam have finished their quick meals and help Ginger out of the car. She's wasted and on the brink of collapse. The two friends lift the birthday girl to her feet, but she doesn't want to move any further. Adam argues that they're going to miss the drag show going on a couple blocks away. Madeleine wants a chocolate martini. Through slurred words, Ginger shouts, "It's my party and I'll do what I want to!" She then climbs back into the car and falls fast asleep on the floorboard.

Adam and Madeleine cast knowing glances at one another, shrug their shoulders, and get back into the car. The trio drive off, leaving evidence of an otherwise exciting night.

Just Add Injury

We cannot guarantee your safety or health when you enter this parking lot. And yet, day after day, week after week, we manage. It typically works best when you keep your head held high and don't make eye contact with anyone. Just park your car and go about your business. No meandering necessary. I mean, why would you risk it?

In the event you make a misstep or experience a momentary lapse in judgment, help isn't too far away. If ever you stumble and fall in the parking lot, perhaps busting your knee on the pavement or fall into some other obstacle (glass shards and dirty needles come to mind), simply reach out for a Band-Aid to cover up the wound. But careful, that's gonna leave a mark.

*NOTE: Any debris found in parking lot may contain bits of staph or other bacterium and/or assorted viruses.

Target Practice

Items found here at the Parking Lot Diaries have shown just how sketchy life in the city can be. Sometimes it's simply trash and other bit of litter; other times it's something of greater significance.

This week, we stumbled on revolutionary evidence in our parking lot: a lavender shotgun shell casing. I've never in my life seen gender-specific ammunition, because clearly, that's what this is. To say it's anything else, defines absurdity. The future is NOW!

Bravo to Smith & Wesson for understanding sex equality and realizing women own guns too! It's not just the women you'd see on Duck Dynasty, either. These are real women who enjoy city living. And they have target practice in our parking lot.

Headache Support

If you have a headache, we're sorry to hear that. Fortunately, if you're passing through our lot, we may have just what you need to remedy your head pains. Spend hours mulling over choices hundreds of choices at your local pharmacy, or head on over to the lot for either Motrin or Aleve. They're both national brands and not that nonsensically questionable store brand crap. They're free here and guaranteed to cure what ails ya.* 

*I can neither guarantee these boxes contain medications, nor can I definitively state the contents are actually the drugs they claim to be. Look, it's a sketchy lot, not a reputable business establishment. Consume at your own risk.

Assault and Battery

Our sketchy lot has been known to be the location of scandalous activities, as evidenced by the array of items we find here. So, it goes without saying that it's not a far cry for the parking lot to feature squabbles that escalate to something more. But we're punny here and we use word plays quite frequently. This post is just another, so calm down. No one was harmed in the making of this entry.

Maybe we just to need to recharge from the weekend. There were lots of festivities the last few days and although our parking lot looks a little rough any other time, the revelry was certainly hangover-and-headache-inducing. But, alas, it's Monday and it's time to energize once again for the week ahead (again, with the puns. Don't judge.)

Sauced on the Lot

The food industry is a rough place to work. The wait staff on the front lines are the face of the business: refilling empty glasses, supplying extra napkins, returning plates for demanding consumers, among other things. Arguably, the kitchen is an even rougher...and more DANGEROUS...place to work. High temps, sharp objects, and oil slicks are just a few obstacles the kitchen staff must maneuver around. It doesn't matter if you're working at a greasy spoon where the line cooks wear paper hats or a classy 5-star restaurant with linen napkins, the life of a restaurant employee isn't easy.

And sometimes when the work day is done, you just wanna toss your hairnet and enjoy a cold brew. Then smash that bottle and throw hot sauce confetti to celebrate an end to another shift. The Parking Lot is the place to be, no matter what occasion you're celebrating. 

A Shot Rang Out

A Jello shot, that is. We may have a sketchy lot, but not everything is about inner city drive-by shootings. Mmmkay? It may be litter, but occasionally we do have happy news to report here at the Parking Lot Diaries.

Clearly, some revelers were having a joyous celebration on the ol' pavement of our office building. The technique used to get all the alcohol-soaked goo from the little plastic tub is questionable. We all know the right person would have slurped out ever glob. A person familiar with these shots may have taken their finger to loosen up the Jello around the edges before sucking it down. A pro would have tactfully used their tongue all around (if there is any tact to be had when enjoying a Jello shot).

What remains here, folks, is the product of a beginner. We've all got to start somewhere, even if it is in this parking lot.

Axe Murderer

So, we've all see the Axe body spray commercials. If you're a dude and you use this stuff, the women just won't leave you alone. They'll practically be throwing themselves at you because you'll smell all macho and women just love macho-scented men. Great marketing campaign. But anyone who's actually inhaled this stuff knows a little spritz is enough to choke a horse.

 

I suspect a lady's man, wanting to make a fine impression on his lady friend whipped out this stuff to freshen up and she punched him right in the stomach as his finger readied to press the button on top of the can. Such an action from the woman caused her would-be date to drop the Axe in our lot right along with the rest of the garbage that lies here.

 

If you suspected this Parking Lot Diaries entry was about someone getting whacked in our parking lot or that we found an axe, we're incredibly sorry to disappoint. To date, we're happy to report there have been no axes nor axe murders in our lot. However, a large hunting knife with a retractable blade was found. This lot aims to please our morbid curiosities.

Sweat It Out

Today's find is nothing short of creepy. It's a sweater. I think. Looks like the remnants of something washed ashore long after a missing person's report was filed. But, there's no body of water nearby. Here at the Parking Lot Diaries, we are highly suspect of anything that appears.

Sure, it could be another dirty, unassuming piece of someone's forgotten wardrobe, but its journey to our lot is certainly just as eerie.

The Key to Success

As the sayin' goes, there's no such thing as bad advertising. The key to success is getting your name out there. Businesses and even people promote their products and services through a wide array of marketing devices. It's important to know who your audience is and to reach out and command their attention.

 

If you make your marketing materials functional, you can reach a greater audience. Advertising on an ink pen, for example, has the potential to reach many more people than the ad on the back of a weekly circular. That crap's gonna get tossed away with the garbage...but an ink pen, oh no. You've really got something there.

 

Plastic cups are good too, because who doesn't like a reusable plastic cup with your logo emblazoned on it? Loudly profess your love for your favorite pizza place or law firm when you're entertaining guests on your back patio while you're serving up bubbly brews.

 

In this lot, you'll find a bunch of gimmicky marketing tactics strewn about the pavement. It's really where garbage goes to die. Sometimes you'll find a pen advertising this place or that. Other times, you'll see marketing on the side of a discarded cup. Then again, you'll always have rare gems like this shopping cart keychain. 

Balloon Knot

At some point in time, there was a celebration in our parking lot's adjoining brick alley. As evidenced in this snapshot, there's a busted a withered knot, a remnant from a blue balloon. Balloons are typically indicative of a good time, so its placement in our lot is questionable. It's also doubtful you'll find another dirty balloon knot of this sort on the internet.

It's Just a Little Prick

 
There's only one thing I hate more than going to the doctor's office, and that's knowing I'm going to get a shot. It doesn't matter how big that needle is. Just the thought I'm going to endure the pain of a sharp metal object puncturing the surface of my skin is enough to tense my muscles up and flinch (which, ironically, is the exact opposite response you need for a "comfortable" jabbing).

 

What's more, is that there are actually people who purposefully endure needling themselves. More horrifying still, some people opt to do this dastardly deed in our parking lot, leaving their awkward evidence behind.

Quick! The cops are comin'!

This lot has provided evidence of many types of people:

Revelers
Druggies
Muggers
Litterbugs
Victims
Drunks
Prostitutes
Bums
Vandals
Horrible Drivers
And other assorted assholes. 

Now, The Parking Lot is new and improved, featuring THIEVES! This stash was free of cash*, but otherwise demonstrates the contents of the victim's purse. *Cash is king for all transactions (either consensual or forced) in the lot.

Bloody Monday

The Parking Lot has become somewhat of a legend, at least to us, since its inception. Yeah, I get the benefit of working here every day, so I may see more than most. But colleagues who visit our building periodically for meetings comment on the random stuff they see in our lot. It's quite amusing to hear people compare stories about the randomness they find in our lot...serendipitously, and without looking for it. Fortunately enough, no one's terrified by what they find, but moreover entertained by the objects they spot. Then again, if they were terrified, they probably wouldn't profess their fear. At least not to us because the real fear is that we'd make fun of them. And rightfully so.

But then, there are things like this that not only defy explanation, but haunt us. The wound that caused these blood droplets on the pavement must be midway between paper cut and traumatic head wound. More questions are left than those that are answered. It's quite clear: there are blood stains on the concrete. Who they came from and how it happened will probably never be answered. Just another day in the Parking Lot, where anything can happen...unfortunately.

Bitterly Cold and Tons of Snow

We need to warm up stat! Fortunately, The Parking Lot has everything you need to make a fire. A lighter or a match will spark your flame. And mulch and discarded cigarette butts make great kindling.

*Please note, these pics were taken just before the Artic blast struck. You will have to shovel out these items. The Parking Lot Diaries is not responsible for unearthing unwanted items. Dig at your own risk!

Goodbye 2013!

Out with the old in with the new, eh? The Parking Lot is bound to be bountiful in the new year. It's brought us everything from busted bottles and discarded lottery scratch-offs to penis cakes and tangled weaves. Certainly 2014 brings with it an all-new level of skank.

At The Parking Lot Diaries, we wish you a safe and happy new year. So, when you celebrate all that 2013 was and you hope 2014 will be, if your New Year's Eve night ends with a bang, be safe about it. And even if your celebration is low-key, be careful out there. It's a crazy world and anything can happen, as evidenced by these snapshots we take in our sketchy lot.

Crystal White Christmas

Here in the Midwest, it wouldn't be Christmas without snow. Everyone dreams of a white Christmas; the song's a classic. But we don't have snow today. That's not going to keep the parking lot from being festive! It's not as good as real snow, but sometimes you just have to improvise. We present to you synthetic snow crystals in the form of broken auto glass!

 

The Parking Lot Diaries wishes you a safe and happy holiday!*

*You're probably much safer and undoubtedly happier if you're not on our lot.

High Society

In each culture, it's necessary to align with social pressures to fit in. Any misstep in conversation or fashion faux pas, and you're bound to be banished to the kiddie table at the next big family get together. Of course, these ways of conducting ourselves vary greatly for men and for women. In a way, women are held to a higher standard than men. Men can get away without wearing a speck of makeup, bleaching their mustaches, or shaving their legs. Men can belch, and will even turn an awkward fart into a hilariously executed punctuation within a conversation.

 

Unfortunately, however, it's no so easy for women. Social norms dictate women must look and behave a certain, proper way. Women who venture out of the house without painting their faces are often criticized for not doing so. And neglecting to bleach stray upper lip hairs? Some women would rather curl up and hide than have anyone spot them with unwanted body hair. Many women look forward to the winter months where pants and long skirts hide their unshaven legs so they can enjoy a little lapse in social pressures for their legs to look a certain way.

 

The rituals women go through on a daily basis to fit in with social pressures are cumbersome and time-consuming. It's possible in the quest for perfection, a step of the beauty regimen is incomplete or abandoned all together in an effort to make it to the office on time. Or say, there's just not enough time to shave your legs before leaving home. Well, you guessed it, the Parking Lot has you covered!

 

Sanitarily contained in a Ziploc baggy is your own pink razor (how feminine!). Your new razor's name is "Indigo Knight", which is coincidentally the name of a modeling agency in Louisiana. Now, if that hidden wintery leg stubble is leaving you feeling inadequate, you sneak a few shaves in your work day.

 

Oh, and speaking of hygiene double standards, the Parking Lot also has menstrual pads available free of charge.

Quickie.

There's nothing quite like having a quickie in the parking lot. 'Cept maybe this parking lot. Who wants a quickie here? Nevermind. Don't answer that, I don't even want to know. However, since I'm pressed for time, I offer you this installment of The Parking Lot Diaries because sometimes when you're in a hurry you leave skid marks. Or rather a single skid mark.

How do things like this happen?!