A Shot Rang Out

A Jello shot, that is. We may have a sketchy lot, but not everything is about inner city drive-by shootings. Mmmkay? It may be litter, but occasionally we do have happy news to report here at the Parking Lot Diaries.

Clearly, some revelers were having a joyous celebration on the ol' pavement of our office building. The technique used to get all the alcohol-soaked goo from the little plastic tub is questionable. We all know the right person would have slurped out ever glob. A person familiar with these shots may have taken their finger to loosen up the Jello around the edges before sucking it down. A pro would have tactfully used their tongue all around (if there is any tact to be had when enjoying a Jello shot).

What remains here, folks, is the product of a beginner. We've all got to start somewhere, even if it is in this parking lot.

Axe Murderer

So, we've all see the Axe body spray commercials. If you're a dude and you use this stuff, the women just won't leave you alone. They'll practically be throwing themselves at you because you'll smell all macho and women just love macho-scented men. Great marketing campaign. But anyone who's actually inhaled this stuff knows a little spritz is enough to choke a horse.

 

I suspect a lady's man, wanting to make a fine impression on his lady friend whipped out this stuff to freshen up and she punched him right in the stomach as his finger readied to press the button on top of the can. Such an action from the woman caused her would-be date to drop the Axe in our lot right along with the rest of the garbage that lies here.

 

If you suspected this Parking Lot Diaries entry was about someone getting whacked in our parking lot or that we found an axe, we're incredibly sorry to disappoint. To date, we're happy to report there have been no axes nor axe murders in our lot. However, a large hunting knife with a retractable blade was found. This lot aims to please our morbid curiosities.

Celebration Cut Short

This morning brought about something that could be incredibly sad. When I pulled into work today, I spotted this gem. At first glance, it's just another empty bottle. Sure, we're used to the broken beer bottle and other such ale and hops riff-raff, but this specimen here is one of the finer varieties of alcoholic treats. Upon closer inspection, we see that there's quite a bit of sparkling wine in this bottle. Undoubtedly, this is what remains from a party cut short. I refuse to believe someone(s) simply didn't care for the taste of "Berry Fusion". Because, come on, it's berries, man. Who doesn't like the taste of berries?

Lot lizards, that's who. Lot lizards clearly prefer something citrusy. (And you thought that was a rhetorical question. Just goes to show ya, anything can happen on this lot. And it usually does.) 

Balloon Knot

At some point in time, there was a celebration in our parking lot's adjoining brick alley. As evidenced in this snapshot, there's a busted a withered knot, a remnant from a blue balloon. Balloons are typically indicative of a good time, so its placement in our lot is questionable. It's also doubtful you'll find another dirty balloon knot of this sort on the internet.

Like a Surgeon

If ever you need to conduct routine back-alley surgery or there's been a SARS outbreak scare, the Parking Lot is stocked with a face mask for whatever your needs may be. Please be advised, however, we cannot guarantee this item is free from holes, tears, or manufacturer's defect. Use at your own risk.*

*If you're on your way to a creepy costume party, and you're looking for form over function, what a fun little accessory!

Goodbye 2013!

Out with the old in with the new, eh? The Parking Lot is bound to be bountiful in the new year. It's brought us everything from busted bottles and discarded lottery scratch-offs to penis cakes and tangled weaves. Certainly 2014 brings with it an all-new level of skank.

At The Parking Lot Diaries, we wish you a safe and happy new year. So, when you celebrate all that 2013 was and you hope 2014 will be, if your New Year's Eve night ends with a bang, be safe about it. And even if your celebration is low-key, be careful out there. It's a crazy world and anything can happen, as evidenced by these snapshots we take in our sketchy lot.

High Society

In each culture, it's necessary to align with social pressures to fit in. Any misstep in conversation or fashion faux pas, and you're bound to be banished to the kiddie table at the next big family get together. Of course, these ways of conducting ourselves vary greatly for men and for women. In a way, women are held to a higher standard than men. Men can get away without wearing a speck of makeup, bleaching their mustaches, or shaving their legs. Men can belch, and will even turn an awkward fart into a hilariously executed punctuation within a conversation.

 

Unfortunately, however, it's no so easy for women. Social norms dictate women must look and behave a certain, proper way. Women who venture out of the house without painting their faces are often criticized for not doing so. And neglecting to bleach stray upper lip hairs? Some women would rather curl up and hide than have anyone spot them with unwanted body hair. Many women look forward to the winter months where pants and long skirts hide their unshaven legs so they can enjoy a little lapse in social pressures for their legs to look a certain way.

 

The rituals women go through on a daily basis to fit in with social pressures are cumbersome and time-consuming. It's possible in the quest for perfection, a step of the beauty regimen is incomplete or abandoned all together in an effort to make it to the office on time. Or say, there's just not enough time to shave your legs before leaving home. Well, you guessed it, the Parking Lot has you covered!

 

Sanitarily contained in a Ziploc baggy is your own pink razor (how feminine!). Your new razor's name is "Indigo Knight", which is coincidentally the name of a modeling agency in Louisiana. Now, if that hidden wintery leg stubble is leaving you feeling inadequate, you sneak a few shaves in your work day.

 

Oh, and speaking of hygiene double standards, the Parking Lot also has menstrual pads available free of charge.

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.

Edible Anatomy Lesson

It's important to honor people we care about, especially for momentous occasions such as upcoming weddings, goings away, and baby welcomings. Let's face it, birthdays are important, but they happen every year. Only genuinely rare occasions are worthy of extra special touches. The thought expressed in the presentation of a handmade centerpiece for each table at a get-together may have otherwise gone unnoticed if the party planner omitted it from the decorations. However, with the properly executed design and placement, the centerpiece is sure to attract plenty of attention.

Enter the penis cake. We're all aware of the taboo of that certain male body part. Practically synonymous with any heterosexual woman's last night out as a single woman, the penis cake is a staple of bachelorette parties nationwide. Apparently, it's also hip at birthday parties and parking lots. Okay, well maybe just one lot specifically. Our lot.

Monday morning brought about this completely intact penis cake, replete with chocolate sprinkle pubic hairs and a festive "HAPPY B-DAY" on the top edge of the foil-covered cardboard platter. Sure, the frosting is a little melted, but after spending the night in this parking lot, things could be a lot worse for this weary cake.

So, if you're on your way to an adult birthday party and in need of a centerpiece for your celebration, swing by the parking lot to grab your table accoutrement!