Assault and Battery

Our sketchy lot has been known to be the location of scandalous activities, as evidenced by the array of items we find here. So, it goes without saying that it's not a far cry for the parking lot to feature squabbles that escalate to something more. But we're punny here and we use word plays quite frequently. This post is just another, so calm down. No one was harmed in the making of this entry.

Maybe we just to need to recharge from the weekend. There were lots of festivities the last few days and although our parking lot looks a little rough any other time, the revelry was certainly hangover-and-headache-inducing. But, alas, it's Monday and it's time to energize once again for the week ahead (again, with the puns. Don't judge.)

Sauced on the Lot

The food industry is a rough place to work. The wait staff on the front lines are the face of the business: refilling empty glasses, supplying extra napkins, returning plates for demanding consumers, among other things. Arguably, the kitchen is an even rougher...and more DANGEROUS...place to work. High temps, sharp objects, and oil slicks are just a few obstacles the kitchen staff must maneuver around. It doesn't matter if you're working at a greasy spoon where the line cooks wear paper hats or a classy 5-star restaurant with linen napkins, the life of a restaurant employee isn't easy.

And sometimes when the work day is done, you just wanna toss your hairnet and enjoy a cold brew. Then smash that bottle and throw hot sauce confetti to celebrate an end to another shift. The Parking Lot is the place to be, no matter what occasion you're celebrating. 

A Shot Rang Out

A Jello shot, that is. We may have a sketchy lot, but not everything is about inner city drive-by shootings. Mmmkay? It may be litter, but occasionally we do have happy news to report here at the Parking Lot Diaries.

Clearly, some revelers were having a joyous celebration on the ol' pavement of our office building. The technique used to get all the alcohol-soaked goo from the little plastic tub is questionable. We all know the right person would have slurped out ever glob. A person familiar with these shots may have taken their finger to loosen up the Jello around the edges before sucking it down. A pro would have tactfully used their tongue all around (if there is any tact to be had when enjoying a Jello shot).

What remains here, folks, is the product of a beginner. We've all got to start somewhere, even if it is in this parking lot.

Celebration Cut Short

This morning brought about something that could be incredibly sad. When I pulled into work today, I spotted this gem. At first glance, it's just another empty bottle. Sure, we're used to the broken beer bottle and other such ale and hops riff-raff, but this specimen here is one of the finer varieties of alcoholic treats. Upon closer inspection, we see that there's quite a bit of sparkling wine in this bottle. Undoubtedly, this is what remains from a party cut short. I refuse to believe someone(s) simply didn't care for the taste of "Berry Fusion". Because, come on, it's berries, man. Who doesn't like the taste of berries?

Lot lizards, that's who. Lot lizards clearly prefer something citrusy. (And you thought that was a rhetorical question. Just goes to show ya, anything can happen on this lot. And it usually does.) 

Sweat It Out

Today's find is nothing short of creepy. It's a sweater. I think. Looks like the remnants of something washed ashore long after a missing person's report was filed. But, there's no body of water nearby. Here at the Parking Lot Diaries, we are highly suspect of anything that appears.

Sure, it could be another dirty, unassuming piece of someone's forgotten wardrobe, but its journey to our lot is certainly just as eerie.

The Key to Success

As the sayin' goes, there's no such thing as bad advertising. The key to success is getting your name out there. Businesses and even people promote their products and services through a wide array of marketing devices. It's important to know who your audience is and to reach out and command their attention.

 

If you make your marketing materials functional, you can reach a greater audience. Advertising on an ink pen, for example, has the potential to reach many more people than the ad on the back of a weekly circular. That crap's gonna get tossed away with the garbage...but an ink pen, oh no. You've really got something there.

 

Plastic cups are good too, because who doesn't like a reusable plastic cup with your logo emblazoned on it? Loudly profess your love for your favorite pizza place or law firm when you're entertaining guests on your back patio while you're serving up bubbly brews.

 

In this lot, you'll find a bunch of gimmicky marketing tactics strewn about the pavement. It's really where garbage goes to die. Sometimes you'll find a pen advertising this place or that. Other times, you'll see marketing on the side of a discarded cup. Then again, you'll always have rare gems like this shopping cart keychain. 

Balloon Knot

At some point in time, there was a celebration in our parking lot's adjoining brick alley. As evidenced in this snapshot, there's a busted a withered knot, a remnant from a blue balloon. Balloons are typically indicative of a good time, so its placement in our lot is questionable. It's also doubtful you'll find another dirty balloon knot of this sort on the internet.

It's Just a Little Prick

 
There's only one thing I hate more than going to the doctor's office, and that's knowing I'm going to get a shot. It doesn't matter how big that needle is. Just the thought I'm going to endure the pain of a sharp metal object puncturing the surface of my skin is enough to tense my muscles up and flinch (which, ironically, is the exact opposite response you need for a "comfortable" jabbing).

 

What's more, is that there are actually people who purposefully endure needling themselves. More horrifying still, some people opt to do this dastardly deed in our parking lot, leaving their awkward evidence behind.

Smoking May Cause Headaches

Because sometimes you just need to store your Marlboro pack in your Aleve box. Plus, it helps cut back on the space your freakin' litter takes up, making more room for even more garbage. If you're going to litter, please do so responsibly. Environmental harm reduction.

Like a Surgeon

If ever you need to conduct routine back-alley surgery or there's been a SARS outbreak scare, the Parking Lot is stocked with a face mask for whatever your needs may be. Please be advised, however, we cannot guarantee this item is free from holes, tears, or manufacturer's defect. Use at your own risk.*

*If you're on your way to a creepy costume party, and you're looking for form over function, what a fun little accessory!

Bloody Monday

The Parking Lot has become somewhat of a legend, at least to us, since its inception. Yeah, I get the benefit of working here every day, so I may see more than most. But colleagues who visit our building periodically for meetings comment on the random stuff they see in our lot. It's quite amusing to hear people compare stories about the randomness they find in our lot...serendipitously, and without looking for it. Fortunately enough, no one's terrified by what they find, but moreover entertained by the objects they spot. Then again, if they were terrified, they probably wouldn't profess their fear. At least not to us because the real fear is that we'd make fun of them. And rightfully so.

But then, there are things like this that not only defy explanation, but haunt us. The wound that caused these blood droplets on the pavement must be midway between paper cut and traumatic head wound. More questions are left than those that are answered. It's quite clear: there are blood stains on the concrete. Who they came from and how it happened will probably never be answered. Just another day in the Parking Lot, where anything can happen...unfortunately.

Bitterly Cold and Tons of Snow

We need to warm up stat! Fortunately, The Parking Lot has everything you need to make a fire. A lighter or a match will spark your flame. And mulch and discarded cigarette butts make great kindling.

*Please note, these pics were taken just before the Artic blast struck. You will have to shovel out these items. The Parking Lot Diaries is not responsible for unearthing unwanted items. Dig at your own risk!

Goodbye 2013!

Out with the old in with the new, eh? The Parking Lot is bound to be bountiful in the new year. It's brought us everything from busted bottles and discarded lottery scratch-offs to penis cakes and tangled weaves. Certainly 2014 brings with it an all-new level of skank.

At The Parking Lot Diaries, we wish you a safe and happy new year. So, when you celebrate all that 2013 was and you hope 2014 will be, if your New Year's Eve night ends with a bang, be safe about it. And even if your celebration is low-key, be careful out there. It's a crazy world and anything can happen, as evidenced by these snapshots we take in our sketchy lot.

Crystal White Christmas

Here in the Midwest, it wouldn't be Christmas without snow. Everyone dreams of a white Christmas; the song's a classic. But we don't have snow today. That's not going to keep the parking lot from being festive! It's not as good as real snow, but sometimes you just have to improvise. We present to you synthetic snow crystals in the form of broken auto glass!

 

The Parking Lot Diaries wishes you a safe and happy holiday!*

*You're probably much safer and undoubtedly happier if you're not on our lot.

Seasonal Tradition

Tradition tells us that the day after Thanksgiving is the day to venture out to the mall or your favorite shopping grounds and buy crap for your loved ones to celebrate Christmas.

 

When I was growing up, I don't remember the term "Black Friday" was thrown around as loosely as it is today. For some, shopping for good boys and girls is what the season's all about. For others, the season has more emphasis on the tradition of togetherness and family bonding. Eggnog flowing, hanging up the stockings, and decorating for the ol' yule time. Picking the perfect pine tree from an orchard, hacking it down, and bringing it home to decorate it with handmade ornaments and tinsel are what stories of Christmas are made of. It's all about the tree and the company who helps put it all together.

 

In contrast, however, on the lot you just make due with what's available. Fortunately enough, we've found a tree for our festivities!

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.

Lens-less in the Lot

We continue to be amazed not just by the sheer volume of debris in the parking lot, but by the total randomness of much of it. Sure, there's a ton of cigarette butts and fast food packaging, but mixed in with all that standard debris is a never-ending mix of weave, dental floss, and broken glass. And sometimes, sometimes you find that rare gem, even rare for our parking lot. As mentioned in our previous post, it's not every day you see an intact penis cake when you step out of your car in the morning.

And yet invariably, these things happen. Many items end up here, each with its own story, a history of how it arrived in our parking lot. We can only speculate how it came to be, but it's certainly interesting to document this random stuff and pose the question: "What the hell?!"

Today's find is a single eyeglass lens, with no frame or matching lens to be found. It's nearly opaque from the scuffs on the surface. How does this even happen? Even if the lens casually popped out from someone's lens, how could that person go about their day sans one lens? Most assuredly, there was a scuffle. Perhaps a mugging, where the perpetrator smashed the victim in the face, busting their lens out. The victim laid unconscious in a pool of their own blood and when they awoke, the need for medical attention outweighed the need to retrieve the lost lens. Or maybe, just maybe, the mugger wanted to rob the muggee of their eyeglass frame and their left lens. Because the mugger is an eye-patch-wearin' pirate.

Regardless of how it arrived in our parking lot, a single lens lies scuffed on the asphalt in this installment of the Parking Lot Diaries.

Edible Anatomy Lesson

It's important to honor people we care about, especially for momentous occasions such as upcoming weddings, goings away, and baby welcomings. Let's face it, birthdays are important, but they happen every year. Only genuinely rare occasions are worthy of extra special touches. The thought expressed in the presentation of a handmade centerpiece for each table at a get-together may have otherwise gone unnoticed if the party planner omitted it from the decorations. However, with the properly executed design and placement, the centerpiece is sure to attract plenty of attention.

Enter the penis cake. We're all aware of the taboo of that certain male body part. Practically synonymous with any heterosexual woman's last night out as a single woman, the penis cake is a staple of bachelorette parties nationwide. Apparently, it's also hip at birthday parties and parking lots. Okay, well maybe just one lot specifically. Our lot.

Monday morning brought about this completely intact penis cake, replete with chocolate sprinkle pubic hairs and a festive "HAPPY B-DAY" on the top edge of the foil-covered cardboard platter. Sure, the frosting is a little melted, but after spending the night in this parking lot, things could be a lot worse for this weary cake.

So, if you're on your way to an adult birthday party and in need of a centerpiece for your celebration, swing by the parking lot to grab your table accoutrement!

Oral Hygiene 101

With nary time for breakfast, it's likely you also didn't have time to enjoy the finer things in life, like caring for your oral hygiene needs. Our parking lot features all the items you need for that last minute enhancement for your day.

Let's face it, halitosis is an epidemic that must be stopped. There's nothing worse than having a close-talker swoop in on you while you're walking from the lot to the building. Or worse yet, a close-talker in the elevator. Act fast to prevent the embarrassment of having another whiff of toxic breath fumes.

The importance of oral care should never take a backseat to fashion. Dental floss is plentiful, but don't expect it on a spool. Nah, that's much too time consuming for the traveler on the go. In our parking lot, you'll find individually portioned floss, complete with a holder with a handle that doubles as a toothpick. Now you can get the fine grit from your pearly whites as well as tongue-teasing hunks of chicken or roast beef! Minty asphalt flavored. 

And when floss doesn't quite fulfill your needs, you're bound to find the occasional toothbrush and discarded toothpaste tube. Gargle and rinse with bottled fluids plucked from the nearby litter tree.

Failed Gate Fortress

Beyond an abundance of cigarette butts and other such careless litter, random objects somehow find their way into our parking lot. The 8-foot tall wrought iron fence is certainly just for show. Two gates roll horizontally, but typically remain open. There are no locks. I've tried to pry open closed entrances after some unknown force magically moved them the night before. Either I'm too weak, or I lack coordination, or both, but I can never get them open. It's clear they've lost their luster and need not be used as they were originally designed.

At the time I snapped the second shot shown in this post, I didn't realize the ominously red-colored stain in the foreground. I cannot definitively state there is no human DNA in that stain.



At the end of the week, the lot is set up for the surrounding nightclubs and bars to generate revenue for park and neighborhood redevelopment, or so we were told. After daytime business hours on those days, sidewalk signs reading "$5 Parking". Presumably much of the subject matter photographed for this site are objects left behind by some haphazard drunk or disco diva. Wild party nights could potentially lead to vomiting in the lot, or say, a nearly intact abandoned car window.

Then again, the gifters of these objects could be just about anyone. It's hard to peg just what type of person is traipsing through the parking lot when just about every type does. Everyone from the club kid to the clinic patient and the business person to the hooker has come through here. What's more is that a revolving door of drug-addicted patrons temporarily live in the rehab facility. They're perpetually coming outside for smoke breaks (a story onto itself). In my seven years working at this building, I've seen all walks of life. And I imagine it's been that way since long before me.

But variety is the spice of life. It certainly makes our days more interesting when we could randomly just happen upon something that really doesn't belong in a parking lot. Except for this lot. It's perfectly clear that EVERYTHING belongs here. Some days, when we come across something particularly interesting, it's like hitting the lottery.