Party of Three

This week on "Let's Hypothesize (How Crap Got Here)":

On the way to the bar, Madeleine and Adam are starving. Madeleine wants McNuggets, but Adam heard the chicken from McDonald's is made from "rib meat and weird chemical compounds". He scoffs at Maddy for her poor food choices. Madeleine argues that she was practically raised on four-piece boxes of the fried food. Adam wants White Castle because it's the lessor of two evils.

Madeleine counters "Adam prefers his burgers paper thin and boiled in onion water". Still, she's a good friend and for the sake of arguing further, she drives her rusted-out Buick into the lot of the tiny burger joint. After her friend places his order, they speed to McDonald's so she can down a box of McNuggets dipped in BBQ sauce.

Meanwhile, Ginger suppresses her hunger as she downs bottles of beer in the backseat. It's her twenty-first birthday and she's determined to get drunk for the first time.

Once in the parking lot, Madeleine and Adam have finished their quick meals and help Ginger out of the car. She's wasted and on the brink of collapse. The two friends lift the birthday girl to her feet, but she doesn't want to move any further. Adam argues that they're going to miss the drag show going on a couple blocks away. Madeleine wants a chocolate martini. Through slurred words, Ginger shouts, "It's my party and I'll do what I want to!" She then climbs back into the car and falls fast asleep on the floorboard.

Adam and Madeleine cast knowing glances at one another, shrug their shoulders, and get back into the car. The trio drive off, leaving evidence of an otherwise exciting night.

Headache Support

If you have a headache, we're sorry to hear that. Fortunately, if you're passing through our lot, we may have just what you need to remedy your head pains. Spend hours mulling over choices hundreds of choices at your local pharmacy, or head on over to the lot for either Motrin or Aleve. They're both national brands and not that nonsensically questionable store brand crap. They're free here and guaranteed to cure what ails ya.* 

*I can neither guarantee these boxes contain medications, nor can I definitively state the contents are actually the drugs they claim to be. Look, it's a sketchy lot, not a reputable business establishment. Consume at your own risk.

Sauced on the Lot

The food industry is a rough place to work. The wait staff on the front lines are the face of the business: refilling empty glasses, supplying extra napkins, returning plates for demanding consumers, among other things. Arguably, the kitchen is an even rougher...and more DANGEROUS...place to work. High temps, sharp objects, and oil slicks are just a few obstacles the kitchen staff must maneuver around. It doesn't matter if you're working at a greasy spoon where the line cooks wear paper hats or a classy 5-star restaurant with linen napkins, the life of a restaurant employee isn't easy.

And sometimes when the work day is done, you just wanna toss your hairnet and enjoy a cold brew. Then smash that bottle and throw hot sauce confetti to celebrate an end to another shift. The Parking Lot is the place to be, no matter what occasion you're celebrating. 

A Shot Rang Out

A Jello shot, that is. We may have a sketchy lot, but not everything is about inner city drive-by shootings. Mmmkay? It may be litter, but occasionally we do have happy news to report here at the Parking Lot Diaries.

Clearly, some revelers were having a joyous celebration on the ol' pavement of our office building. The technique used to get all the alcohol-soaked goo from the little plastic tub is questionable. We all know the right person would have slurped out ever glob. A person familiar with these shots may have taken their finger to loosen up the Jello around the edges before sucking it down. A pro would have tactfully used their tongue all around (if there is any tact to be had when enjoying a Jello shot).

What remains here, folks, is the product of a beginner. We've all got to start somewhere, even if it is in this parking lot.

Axe Murderer

So, we've all see the Axe body spray commercials. If you're a dude and you use this stuff, the women just won't leave you alone. They'll practically be throwing themselves at you because you'll smell all macho and women just love macho-scented men. Great marketing campaign. But anyone who's actually inhaled this stuff knows a little spritz is enough to choke a horse.

 

I suspect a lady's man, wanting to make a fine impression on his lady friend whipped out this stuff to freshen up and she punched him right in the stomach as his finger readied to press the button on top of the can. Such an action from the woman caused her would-be date to drop the Axe in our lot right along with the rest of the garbage that lies here.

 

If you suspected this Parking Lot Diaries entry was about someone getting whacked in our parking lot or that we found an axe, we're incredibly sorry to disappoint. To date, we're happy to report there have been no axes nor axe murders in our lot. However, a large hunting knife with a retractable blade was found. This lot aims to please our morbid curiosities.

Celebration Cut Short

This morning brought about something that could be incredibly sad. When I pulled into work today, I spotted this gem. At first glance, it's just another empty bottle. Sure, we're used to the broken beer bottle and other such ale and hops riff-raff, but this specimen here is one of the finer varieties of alcoholic treats. Upon closer inspection, we see that there's quite a bit of sparkling wine in this bottle. Undoubtedly, this is what remains from a party cut short. I refuse to believe someone(s) simply didn't care for the taste of "Berry Fusion". Because, come on, it's berries, man. Who doesn't like the taste of berries?

Lot lizards, that's who. Lot lizards clearly prefer something citrusy. (And you thought that was a rhetorical question. Just goes to show ya, anything can happen on this lot. And it usually does.) 

Sweat It Out

Today's find is nothing short of creepy. It's a sweater. I think. Looks like the remnants of something washed ashore long after a missing person's report was filed. But, there's no body of water nearby. Here at the Parking Lot Diaries, we are highly suspect of anything that appears.

Sure, it could be another dirty, unassuming piece of someone's forgotten wardrobe, but its journey to our lot is certainly just as eerie.

Quick! The cops are comin'!

This lot has provided evidence of many types of people:

Revelers
Druggies
Muggers
Litterbugs
Victims
Drunks
Prostitutes
Bums
Vandals
Horrible Drivers
And other assorted assholes. 

Now, The Parking Lot is new and improved, featuring THIEVES! This stash was free of cash*, but otherwise demonstrates the contents of the victim's purse. *Cash is king for all transactions (either consensual or forced) in the lot.