Goodbye 2013!

Out with the old in with the new, eh? The Parking Lot is bound to be bountiful in the new year. It's brought us everything from busted bottles and discarded lottery scratch-offs to penis cakes and tangled weaves. Certainly 2014 brings with it an all-new level of skank.

At The Parking Lot Diaries, we wish you a safe and happy new year. So, when you celebrate all that 2013 was and you hope 2014 will be, if your New Year's Eve night ends with a bang, be safe about it. And even if your celebration is low-key, be careful out there. It's a crazy world and anything can happen, as evidenced by these snapshots we take in our sketchy lot.

Crystal White Christmas

Here in the Midwest, it wouldn't be Christmas without snow. Everyone dreams of a white Christmas; the song's a classic. But we don't have snow today. That's not going to keep the parking lot from being festive! It's not as good as real snow, but sometimes you just have to improvise. We present to you synthetic snow crystals in the form of broken auto glass!

 

The Parking Lot Diaries wishes you a safe and happy holiday!*

*You're probably much safer and undoubtedly happier if you're not on our lot.

High Society

In each culture, it's necessary to align with social pressures to fit in. Any misstep in conversation or fashion faux pas, and you're bound to be banished to the kiddie table at the next big family get together. Of course, these ways of conducting ourselves vary greatly for men and for women. In a way, women are held to a higher standard than men. Men can get away without wearing a speck of makeup, bleaching their mustaches, or shaving their legs. Men can belch, and will even turn an awkward fart into a hilariously executed punctuation within a conversation.

 

Unfortunately, however, it's no so easy for women. Social norms dictate women must look and behave a certain, proper way. Women who venture out of the house without painting their faces are often criticized for not doing so. And neglecting to bleach stray upper lip hairs? Some women would rather curl up and hide than have anyone spot them with unwanted body hair. Many women look forward to the winter months where pants and long skirts hide their unshaven legs so they can enjoy a little lapse in social pressures for their legs to look a certain way.

 

The rituals women go through on a daily basis to fit in with social pressures are cumbersome and time-consuming. It's possible in the quest for perfection, a step of the beauty regimen is incomplete or abandoned all together in an effort to make it to the office on time. Or say, there's just not enough time to shave your legs before leaving home. Well, you guessed it, the Parking Lot has you covered!

 

Sanitarily contained in a Ziploc baggy is your own pink razor (how feminine!). Your new razor's name is "Indigo Knight", which is coincidentally the name of a modeling agency in Louisiana. Now, if that hidden wintery leg stubble is leaving you feeling inadequate, you sneak a few shaves in your work day.

 

Oh, and speaking of hygiene double standards, the Parking Lot also has menstrual pads available free of charge.

Quickie.

There's nothing quite like having a quickie in the parking lot. 'Cept maybe this parking lot. Who wants a quickie here? Nevermind. Don't answer that, I don't even want to know. However, since I'm pressed for time, I offer you this installment of The Parking Lot Diaries because sometimes when you're in a hurry you leave skid marks. Or rather a single skid mark.

How do things like this happen?!

Seasonal Tradition

Tradition tells us that the day after Thanksgiving is the day to venture out to the mall or your favorite shopping grounds and buy crap for your loved ones to celebrate Christmas.

 

When I was growing up, I don't remember the term "Black Friday" was thrown around as loosely as it is today. For some, shopping for good boys and girls is what the season's all about. For others, the season has more emphasis on the tradition of togetherness and family bonding. Eggnog flowing, hanging up the stockings, and decorating for the ol' yule time. Picking the perfect pine tree from an orchard, hacking it down, and bringing it home to decorate it with handmade ornaments and tinsel are what stories of Christmas are made of. It's all about the tree and the company who helps put it all together.

 

In contrast, however, on the lot you just make due with what's available. Fortunately enough, we've found a tree for our festivities!

Last Minute Thanksgiving Prep

It never fails: Thanksgiving creeps up on us every year. Wasn't it just June? Poor planning, procrastination, or simple forgetfulness may have you cruising by this and that local grocer only to realize you screwed up again. If you're anything like me, year after year you fail to do your part for the family get-together potluck. And a last minute dash to the supermarket will most assuredly end in disappointment. Instead of driving around hopelessly trying to find a store operate on YOUR schedule, consider stopping by the parking lot for your better-late-than-never Thanksgiving needs.

Thanksgiving should be more than just Turkey Day. We need to appreciate all delicious birds during this momentous day. It may not be turkey, but we have a wing with chicken so tender, it fell right off the bone. Well, the meat was probably chewed or gnawed off, but the breading certainly contains the secret to the special recipe.

If you're looking for a dinner side to share, but care not to make something traditional like mashed potatoes or green bean casserole due to time constraints or proper preparation, consider grabbing a bag of Ruffles. Now, these aren't your run of the mill potato chips. No, these babies are the ultimate loaded bacon and cheddar potato skins! Of course, I cannot guarantee the contents of this bag as it appears to be open. But remember, Thanksgiving is not only about giving thanks, but it's about sharing. Someone else took their share from the Ruffles, so be grateful for what they left.

Some of us just want to bring something easy, even if we are prepared for the occasion. Fruit punch or some bubbly beverage. You're in luck. Currently our lot has two fruity drinks. Well, had. Your choice of peach Vess soda or Tropical Fantasy (whatever that is) mango "juice". If you're interested in the soda, sorry, we're fresh out. But it looks like there may be a little mango left, plus or minus some stranger's backwash. Again, sharing is caring.

When you're running late to dinner at grandma's house, or Aunt Patty's, or your crazy in-laws, because you failed yet again to make that new recipe, don't neglect to swing by The Lot to grab the necessities so you don't look like a total ass in front of your significant other's dad. 
 

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.