Last Minute Thanksgiving Prep

It never fails: Thanksgiving creeps up on us every year. Wasn't it just June? Poor planning, procrastination, or simple forgetfulness may have you cruising by this and that local grocer only to realize you screwed up again. If you're anything like me, year after year you fail to do your part for the family get-together potluck. And a last minute dash to the supermarket will most assuredly end in disappointment. Instead of driving around hopelessly trying to find a store operate on YOUR schedule, consider stopping by the parking lot for your better-late-than-never Thanksgiving needs.

Thanksgiving should be more than just Turkey Day. We need to appreciate all delicious birds during this momentous day. It may not be turkey, but we have a wing with chicken so tender, it fell right off the bone. Well, the meat was probably chewed or gnawed off, but the breading certainly contains the secret to the special recipe.

If you're looking for a dinner side to share, but care not to make something traditional like mashed potatoes or green bean casserole due to time constraints or proper preparation, consider grabbing a bag of Ruffles. Now, these aren't your run of the mill potato chips. No, these babies are the ultimate loaded bacon and cheddar potato skins! Of course, I cannot guarantee the contents of this bag as it appears to be open. But remember, Thanksgiving is not only about giving thanks, but it's about sharing. Someone else took their share from the Ruffles, so be grateful for what they left.

Some of us just want to bring something easy, even if we are prepared for the occasion. Fruit punch or some bubbly beverage. You're in luck. Currently our lot has two fruity drinks. Well, had. Your choice of peach Vess soda or Tropical Fantasy (whatever that is) mango "juice". If you're interested in the soda, sorry, we're fresh out. But it looks like there may be a little mango left, plus or minus some stranger's backwash. Again, sharing is caring.

When you're running late to dinner at grandma's house, or Aunt Patty's, or your crazy in-laws, because you failed yet again to make that new recipe, don't neglect to swing by The Lot to grab the necessities so you don't look like a total ass in front of your significant other's dad. 
 

Beer Collage

When a friend first suggested documenting random crap found in a parking lot via this blog, I thought she was ridiculous for saying so. Aside from the perfectly preserved penis cake lying in the lot on a Monday morning after what was certainly a party-filled weekend, I didn't see anything of particular interest in the lot. Just litter, mostly. Well, litter that included busted up car window glass almost weekly.

Then, we made a special trip to the parking lot, and I started snapping pictures of...well, garbage. Just the run of the mill litter: a cigarette butt, a McDonald's bag, or a flattened soda can. When she excitedly pointed out a makeup brush, I laughed so hard tears streaked my down my cheeks. I'm sure I had stepped over or around that very makeup brush dozens of times. Who knows how long it laid there? Months perhaps. And yet, I nary gave it a second glance as it was all too commonplace in our parking lot.

Enjoy this lovely beer collage (or see the full pictures here).

Suddenly, I was inspired to find other random items that I certainly side-stepped with great frequency in my seven years working in the adjoining office building. Lots of missed opportunities, I'm sure. Now, I found myself making up for lost time, searching for more stuff that had somehow made its way into our urban parking lot. In doing so, I neglected to see the big picture; the random scattering of beer cans and busted beer bottles that greets office goers every Monday morning, left from drunken patrons of the surrounding bars.

It's been awhile since I even attempted to take a beer bottle out of a bar. Pretty sure it's a liability issue. Still, bottles end up in the parking lot. When they see the light of day, they're typically not in one solid piece. No, bits of broken glass are perpetually strewn about the lot, like some tire-busting confetti. And as for beers in a can, however classy, I just don't see the bars around our office building selling those. These must have been purchased from the gas station on the corner. Makes perfect sense. Get your hooch at the little convenience store, then walk a couple blocks to our lot. Now drink up! Garbage can too far away? No bother, just leave your empty cans and bottles in the lot. Some poor bastard is prepared to drive right over it.

Lens-less in the Lot

We continue to be amazed not just by the sheer volume of debris in the parking lot, but by the total randomness of much of it. Sure, there's a ton of cigarette butts and fast food packaging, but mixed in with all that standard debris is a never-ending mix of weave, dental floss, and broken glass. And sometimes, sometimes you find that rare gem, even rare for our parking lot. As mentioned in our previous post, it's not every day you see an intact penis cake when you step out of your car in the morning.

And yet invariably, these things happen. Many items end up here, each with its own story, a history of how it arrived in our parking lot. We can only speculate how it came to be, but it's certainly interesting to document this random stuff and pose the question: "What the hell?!"

Today's find is a single eyeglass lens, with no frame or matching lens to be found. It's nearly opaque from the scuffs on the surface. How does this even happen? Even if the lens casually popped out from someone's lens, how could that person go about their day sans one lens? Most assuredly, there was a scuffle. Perhaps a mugging, where the perpetrator smashed the victim in the face, busting their lens out. The victim laid unconscious in a pool of their own blood and when they awoke, the need for medical attention outweighed the need to retrieve the lost lens. Or maybe, just maybe, the mugger wanted to rob the muggee of their eyeglass frame and their left lens. Because the mugger is an eye-patch-wearin' pirate.

Regardless of how it arrived in our parking lot, a single lens lies scuffed on the asphalt in this installment of the Parking Lot Diaries.

Edible Anatomy Lesson

It's important to honor people we care about, especially for momentous occasions such as upcoming weddings, goings away, and baby welcomings. Let's face it, birthdays are important, but they happen every year. Only genuinely rare occasions are worthy of extra special touches. The thought expressed in the presentation of a handmade centerpiece for each table at a get-together may have otherwise gone unnoticed if the party planner omitted it from the decorations. However, with the properly executed design and placement, the centerpiece is sure to attract plenty of attention.

Enter the penis cake. We're all aware of the taboo of that certain male body part. Practically synonymous with any heterosexual woman's last night out as a single woman, the penis cake is a staple of bachelorette parties nationwide. Apparently, it's also hip at birthday parties and parking lots. Okay, well maybe just one lot specifically. Our lot.

Monday morning brought about this completely intact penis cake, replete with chocolate sprinkle pubic hairs and a festive "HAPPY B-DAY" on the top edge of the foil-covered cardboard platter. Sure, the frosting is a little melted, but after spending the night in this parking lot, things could be a lot worse for this weary cake.

So, if you're on your way to an adult birthday party and in need of a centerpiece for your celebration, swing by the parking lot to grab your table accoutrement!