Movin' on Up!

September marks the eleventh month anniversary of the Parking Lot Diaries. To celebrate, we're moving on up to Facebook! Yeah, completely random anniversary date, but has anything about this blog made sense thus far? And things aren't bound to change any time soon. If you've visited this blog before, you're well aware of the type of crap you'll be subjected to.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

But more important...Will you be joining us on Facebook?

You're sure never to miss another Parking Lot Diaries entry. C'mon, you know you wanna!https://www.facebook.com/ParkingLotDiaries

Party of Three

This week on "Let's Hypothesize (How Crap Got Here)":

On the way to the bar, Madeleine and Adam are starving. Madeleine wants McNuggets, but Adam heard the chicken from McDonald's is made from "rib meat and weird chemical compounds". He scoffs at Maddy for her poor food choices. Madeleine argues that she was practically raised on four-piece boxes of the fried food. Adam wants White Castle because it's the lessor of two evils.

Madeleine counters "Adam prefers his burgers paper thin and boiled in onion water". Still, she's a good friend and for the sake of arguing further, she drives her rusted-out Buick into the lot of the tiny burger joint. After her friend places his order, they speed to McDonald's so she can down a box of McNuggets dipped in BBQ sauce.

Meanwhile, Ginger suppresses her hunger as she downs bottles of beer in the backseat. It's her twenty-first birthday and she's determined to get drunk for the first time.

Once in the parking lot, Madeleine and Adam have finished their quick meals and help Ginger out of the car. She's wasted and on the brink of collapse. The two friends lift the birthday girl to her feet, but she doesn't want to move any further. Adam argues that they're going to miss the drag show going on a couple blocks away. Madeleine wants a chocolate martini. Through slurred words, Ginger shouts, "It's my party and I'll do what I want to!" She then climbs back into the car and falls fast asleep on the floorboard.

Adam and Madeleine cast knowing glances at one another, shrug their shoulders, and get back into the car. The trio drive off, leaving evidence of an otherwise exciting night.

Just Add Injury

We cannot guarantee your safety or health when you enter this parking lot. And yet, day after day, week after week, we manage. It typically works best when you keep your head held high and don't make eye contact with anyone. Just park your car and go about your business. No meandering necessary. I mean, why would you risk it?

In the event you make a misstep or experience a momentary lapse in judgment, help isn't too far away. If ever you stumble and fall in the parking lot, perhaps busting your knee on the pavement or fall into some other obstacle (glass shards and dirty needles come to mind), simply reach out for a Band-Aid to cover up the wound. But careful, that's gonna leave a mark.

*NOTE: Any debris found in parking lot may contain bits of staph or other bacterium and/or assorted viruses.

Target Practice

Items found here at the Parking Lot Diaries have shown just how sketchy life in the city can be. Sometimes it's simply trash and other bit of litter; other times it's something of greater significance.

This week, we stumbled on revolutionary evidence in our parking lot: a lavender shotgun shell casing. I've never in my life seen gender-specific ammunition, because clearly, that's what this is. To say it's anything else, defines absurdity. The future is NOW!

Bravo to Smith & Wesson for understanding sex equality and realizing women own guns too! It's not just the women you'd see on Duck Dynasty, either. These are real women who enjoy city living. And they have target practice in our parking lot.

I. Can't. Even.

Some objects in the lot defy explanation. So... Vomit.

I coulda sworn there was a barf bag around here somewhere.

Spread 'Em!

Let's face it, urban blight wreaks havoc on your feet. Dry callouses, brittle toenails, and a variety of nasty funguses could easily result if you spend any amount of time in the city. But this parking lot gives back and offers you tools to combat what ails ya. You just have to be lucky enough to spot 'em.

Spreading your toes is as easy as spreading pink eye in a public swimming pool with these gems. Toes and nail polish not included, but if you rummage through the contents of the Parking Lot Diaries, I'm sure you'll be able to find some.

Headache Support

If you have a headache, we're sorry to hear that. Fortunately, if you're passing through our lot, we may have just what you need to remedy your head pains. Spend hours mulling over choices hundreds of choices at your local pharmacy, or head on over to the lot for either Motrin or Aleve. They're both national brands and not that nonsensically questionable store brand crap. They're free here and guaranteed to cure what ails ya.* 

*I can neither guarantee these boxes contain medications, nor can I definitively state the contents are actually the drugs they claim to be. Look, it's a sketchy lot, not a reputable business establishment. Consume at your own risk.