This week on "Let's Hypothesize (How Crap Got Here)":
On the way to the bar, Madeleine and Adam are starving. Madeleine wants McNuggets, but Adam heard the chicken from McDonald's is made from "rib meat and weird chemical compounds". He scoffs at Maddy for her poor food choices. Madeleine argues that she was practically raised on four-piece boxes of the fried food. Adam wants White Castle because it's the lessor of two evils.
Madeleine counters "Adam prefers his burgers paper thin and boiled in onion water". Still, she's a good friend and for the sake of arguing further, she drives her rusted-out Buick into the lot of the tiny burger joint. After her friend places his order, they speed to McDonald's so she can down a box of McNuggets dipped in BBQ sauce.
Meanwhile, Ginger suppresses her hunger as she downs bottles of beer in the backseat. It's her twenty-first birthday and she's determined to get drunk for the first time.
Once in the parking lot, Madeleine and Adam have finished their quick meals and help Ginger out of the car. She's wasted and on the brink of collapse. The two friends lift the birthday girl to her feet, but she doesn't want to move any further. Adam argues that they're going to miss the drag show going on a couple blocks away. Madeleine wants a chocolate martini. Through slurred words, Ginger shouts, "It's my party and I'll do what I want to!" She then climbs back into the car and falls fast asleep on the floorboard.
Adam and Madeleine cast knowing glances at one another, shrug their shoulders, and get back into the car. The trio drive off, leaving evidence of an otherwise exciting night.
We cannot guarantee your safety or health when you enter this parking lot. And yet, day after day, week after week, we manage. It typically works best when you keep your head held high and don't make eye contact with anyone. Just park your car and go about your business. No meandering necessary. I mean, why would you risk it?
In the event you make a misstep or experience a momentary lapse in judgment, help isn't too far away. If ever you stumble and fall in the parking lot, perhaps busting your knee on the pavement or fall into some other obstacle (glass shards and dirty needles come to mind), simply reach out for a Band-Aid to cover up the wound. But careful, that's gonna leave a mark.
*NOTE: Any debris found in parking lot may contain bits of staph or other bacterium and/or assorted viruses.
Items found here at the Parking Lot Diaries have shown just how sketchy life in the city can be. Sometimes it's simply trash and other bit of litter; other times it's something of greater significance.
This week, we stumbled on revolutionary evidence in our parking lot: a lavender shotgun shell casing. I've never in my life seen gender-specific ammunition, because clearly, that's what this is. To say it's anything else, defines absurdity. The future is NOW!
Bravo to Smith & Wesson for understanding sex equality and realizing women own guns too! It's not just the women you'd see on Duck Dynasty, either. These are real women who enjoy city living. And they have target practice in our parking lot.
Some objects in the lot defy explanation. So... Vomit.
I coulda sworn there was a barf bag around here somewhere.
